


As far away as I feel from you

by lizardwriter



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 12:12:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5048098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardwriter/pseuds/lizardwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amy has a hard time handling Karma and her feelings for her and Karma doesn't handle the aftermath of her decisions well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As far away as I feel from you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lazarus_girl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazarus_girl/gifts).



> Based on the prompt: "Things you said that I wish you hadn't." Spoilers for 2x18 and the preview of 2x19 (but also diverging from the canon in the preview, too). Prompted by the lovely [lazarus_girl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lazarus_girl/pseuds/lazarus_girl). The title is from the Girlyman song "Earthquakes".

“The threesome happened and it was fun.”

You both know they’re lies as soon as they leave her mouth, but they feel like a punch to your gut, anyway. Karma’s not supposed to have threesomes. Especially not without you. Or with you. Just no. No threesomes. For either of you.

You struggle to find words to reply to her blatant lies as she stands there, hair dripping, towel wrapped around her, defiant look on her face, daring you to contradict. You could. You know you could, but it feels like the Karma that’s looking back at you isn’t really your Karma at all. In the end, all you can do is shake your head sadly and wonder what the hell got you both here.

\--

You awake from a nightmare where too many people are touching you in ways you don’t want and far too many people are touching Karma in a way you _really_ don’t want, but the scariest part of the whole thing is the way Karma was looking at you with dead eyes and a cruel smile, inviting the touches that you knew she didn’t want either.

You feel physically sick and your heart is racing and you want to scream or punch something. More than anything you want to go to Karma and shake her and make her look you in the eyes and make her fucking _listen_ to you.

Dammit, you just need her to listen. You need for your words to permeate her thick skull. You need her to be the person you know she really is when she’s not trying to be in a relationship with anyone or be something she thinks others want her to be.

You need her to be the girl who kissed your cuts with a grin and an “all better” when you were little. You need her to be the brave little girl who ran around in rainbow skirts with flower crowns singing Joni Mitchell at the top of her lungs not caring who was watching or listening.

You need her to be better than she’s being.

(You need to stop hearing the words on repeat that have kept you nauseous for three days now.

_The threesome happened and it was fun._ )

(You make it to the bathroom just in time.)

\--

“You don’t look so good.”

You eye her warily, unsure yet which Karma you’re going to be getting today. It feels like you’ve been drawing a wild card every time you see her of late, and it’s fraying your nerves.

Right now her brows are furrowed in concern, and her hand is coming to rest comfortingly on your back. The problem is that it’s not comforting at all, and you flinch away from the touch unconsciously.

She notices. Of course, she notices. She’s Karma, and you’ve never been very good at keeping things from her. Before she can probe, Felix walks up to you both with a smile and an awkward wave in that adorable little way of his, and you manage a smile.

Karma’s expression darkens, and it worries you that you find it unreadable for a moment. You’ve always been able to read her, but recently…

You sigh as you watch a fake smile plaster itself across her face and see her shoulders square back in that way she has when she’s putting on a mask for people to see, and you hate everything about it.

“Hey, Felix. Nice to see you. Anyway, I’ll catch you both later. I just remembered, I’m late to meet Wade.”

The name stings like she’d slapped you across the face and you flinch again, but this time she doesn’t notice, or chooses not to. That hurts, too.

“You okay?” Felix says, by way of greeting, and you force your own smile, that grows more genuine as he smiles back at you. “Cookie?” he asks, pulling a bag of Famous Amos out of his backpack and offering it to you.

You feel better when he opens the bag and hands you a cookie, without you having to say yes.

“Karma?” he asks as you both begin to walk.

You nod as you nibble at your cookie.

He shoots you a sympathetic look, but doesn’t press you for information. You appreciate that about him. He gives you space to be you and have your own thoughts. Sometimes you wonder if that’s what’s been missing from your relationship with Karma. You’ve been you and Karma so long, it’s hard to know if the thoughts you have that you think you share are really yours or are hers that you’ve just accepted as yours a long time ago.

You shake the thought from your head because it does you no good either way. It doesn’t change how you feel about her.

You like Felix. You do. He’s sweet and funny and a goof and he likes you for you. He’s a good kisser, too, and sometimes when you’re with him you really just want to be with him, but then you see Karma and you remember…You KNOW with every fiber of your being, that Felix just isn’t enough for you. You know, and you haven’t told him, and you hate yourself for that just a little.

You try to tell yourself it’s okay because you’re in high school, and what high school relationship lasts anyway. You’ll stop it way before it gets to the point of you breaking his heart.

(You and Karma would last if you started. You know that in the heart of the molecules that makes you up.)

(You’re worried it’s already too late not to break his heart.)

\--

“I don’t get why you’re still with him.”

You stare at her for a long moment before you even attempt to formulate a response. Really? Really?? She who is still pretending like dating Wade who’s dating Shane (who she can’t stand to be in the same room as for more than five seconds without squirming like she wishes she could crawl out of her own skin) doesn’t bother her at all? She’s a fine one to talk.

“He’s nice. And fun. I like him.”

“You’re going to hurt him. He _is_ nice and he _really_ likes you. He deserves to have you not play with his feelings. I know you, Amy. I know when you’re really into someone, and you’re not really into him.”

_Oh, really?_ you want to yell. _Because you didn’t fucking know that I was in love with you until I told you!_

You don’t, though, because it might lead all too quickly to, “You haven’t figured out that I’m in love with you still.”

“Like you’re really into Wade?” you challenge instead.

She closes off and grows cold and you wish you could take the words back, but you learned a long time ago, there’s no taking words back.

“It’s complicated, but it’s fine. We’re all fine. Everyone in the situation is fine with all of it.”

“Whatever,” you mumble before taking your leave. You don’t even offer a goodbye.

When did everything start to fall apart again?

\--

Maybe it never stopped falling apart, the same way maybe you never stopped falling in love with Karma.

You are in love with her. You don’t want to be and you frequently hate that you are, but you are. So when she shows up at your door far too late one night, her eyes red, her hair a mess, her voice hoarse, you open your arms and wrap her in a hug and whisper sweet nothings into her hair until she falls asleep with uneven, raspy snores.

It’s the biggest “I love you” you’ve said of late and it’s not even out loud.

\--

“Everything’s such a mess!”

Well, you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that. You don’t comment. You let her take her time and tell you all the things you knew she’d been holding back to save face.

“The threesome wasn’t fun. It was awkward and horrible and I haven’t been able to shower enough since. When will I feel clean again? And I’m never going to be able to look Shane in the eye again, although at least he doesn’t seem to be able to look me in the eye either.” Karma sighs heavily and rolls into your side. Her voice is strained from crying so much and it breaks your heart, but you have no real words of comfort to give.

“I should have listened to you. I should never have gone on that stupid triple date in the first place. I should have just backed off and let Shane have Wade. I should have…God, I don’t even know. Amy, what do I do? How do I fix this mess?”

She gives you such a pained look, like you’re her last hope and she’s desperate for any word of advice she can grab on to, but you have nothing for her. You don’t know how to fix things. You can’t change the past. That’s what makes making decisions such a tricky business. You could let the potential ramifications of any decision paralyze you if you thought about it too much. Not thinking about it at all doesn’t do anyone any favors, though.

You shrug and look hopelessly at her. “I don’t know.” You say honestly, and she buries her face in your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs a long while later. “I shouldn’t have come to you. You told me not to, and I know you probably are supposed to go off and meet Felix somewhere today or something, I just –“

“You can always come to me,” you tell her. “You can tell me everything, I just might not always have a fix for things.” You think of all the things you wish she hadn’t told you, the most recent ringing in your ears, knowing it’s the reason she’s now in your bed. “And Felix and I broke up.”

“What?” Karma sits bolt upright and looks down at you. Her eyes are red and mascara is smudged under her eyes, but she’s staring at you incredulously. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You shrug. You know, but you won’t tell her. Not right now. Maybe not ever. It won’t do anybody any good. Even if you say, “I love you,” she won’t take it the way you mean it. “There wasn’t a good time,” you end up lying when it becomes clear that yes, she actually is expecting a response.

“Are you okay?”

You nod.

Karma settles back into you with her head on your shoulder and you breathe in the sweetness of her shampoo and the vague hemp smell that comes from her spending far too much time in a far too enclosed space with her parents. “You broke it off with hime?”

“It was a mutual thing.” It’s only a partial lie. He’d said the words, but he was echoing what was in your heart. He’s a good guy and he’s put on a brave face since, but you know he’s hurt. He gets it, though, and you hope that you’ll be able to become something closer to good friends than boyfriend and girlfriend someday down the line.

“Is he okay? He didn’t tell me either,” Karma mumbles.

“I think he thinks you’re not exactly his biggest fan,” you tell her, because she does deserve to know that so that she can fix that at least. That’s the easiest fix she’s facing.

“Oh,” she murmurs. “Why does he-?”

The look you give her cuts her off and she sighs.

“I’ll talk to him soon. For today, can we just spend the day together? You and me? Amy and Karma? I really need my best friend.”

She takes your hand and intertwines your fingers and you feel that familiar flutter in your chest. You swallow hard, but muster up a brave smile for her and you nod (because you’re always going to say yes to her). “Sure. Best friend day. You’ve got it.”

(You wonder when the words “best friend” began to sting so badly.)


End file.
